i think i have two assholes
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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