I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
