Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
