don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
