Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
