Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
