EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
