Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
