Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
