OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I want her autograph on my taint
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
