Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
