Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
