That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
