Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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