I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
