he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
