i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
