Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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