A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
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