i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
