As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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