stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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