I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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