Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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