Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
im about as happy as oj after his trial
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
