I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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