Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
