I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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