He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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