I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
