walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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