made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
