I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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