omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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