The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
