I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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