2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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