i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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