the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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