I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
false alarm, still single
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