the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
