dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
she peed on how many people?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
