So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
