Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
