my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The best revenge is premature balding
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
