I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
