my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
