non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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