when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
birth control should be required to get into college
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
