the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
