Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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