whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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