On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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