She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
