hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
