ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
