I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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