You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
